DESCRIPTION:
The couple in this session comes to Esther for guidance on how to create a space of safety for physical intimacy. They are gay men who have been together for 14 years and were married only two weeks before the session.
OUTLINE:
What to listen for in this session
After introducing themselves, they tell the story of the benign birthday “surprise” tour which had to be abandoned when it triggered the partner with a trauma history, but it is clear they have talked little about the history behind the response. Perel says later she is curious about how the norms for how much or little to share were set. At the end of the segment, they talk about another trauma manifestation they’d both like to change— that the partner with a trauma history often flinches when his partner touches him. When the touch-focused partner reiterates that he wants to learn more about how his partner thinks so he can avoid triggering him, Perel replies Maybe he should learn from you.
In the analysis, Perel and Simon discuss trauma in relationships and whether this couple’s situation is unique. Perel explains that it is not and goes on to say how common it is to have only the manifestations of trauma in a relationship without any trauma history disclosed or even known.
Based on what she hears in this segment, including the constant use of the word “safe,” Perel is clear that this session needs a strong, solid, tender container and it is her responsibility to provide it. She comments that she asks fewer questions than usual because of the trauma except for when she wants to know more:
When I hear things like ‘He knows a little.’ I ask ‘What is a little?’ because it’s important to hear the intimate meanings behind the words.
In the analysis, Perel and Simon discuss how there is agreement in the field about the need to avoid re-traumatization but there is also vigorous debate about how much revelation is too much and what is not enough. She comments that people often present their approaches about this as if they have the definitive answer. Her approach is different:
With trauma like this, I think you feel it out, rather than come in with your certainty.
She also goes into detail on the pacing and approach she uses in this session. Because of the trauma history, she maintains a rhythmic and slow pace. She talks less, asks fewer questions, and is less directive than she might otherwise be. She pays special attention to checking the boundaries—between the partners and between them and herself.
She already has a clear sense of real imbalance in the relationship, so the questions she does ask are about the couple’s complementarity and power dynamic.
In the third segment she begins to normalize some of the feelings and reactions related to the partner’s past trauma. He asks and she respond that these reactions are normal for someone with his history. This is where some modeling begins. Perel does some work to help the traumatized partner integrate his words with affect and his body. She then works individually with the other partner who for the first time in this session, acknowledges that he has his own vulnerabilities.
This is the pattern for the rest of the session—individual work with one partner alternating with the other. She points out that while working with one partner, she is also modeling for the other.
In the analysis, Perel uses the Vulnerability Cycle to explain the partners’ profound though not uncommon dysfunction:
Perel is very concrete with the couple about how to change this dynamic. She encourages the partner who freezes, to take his time, “reset his dial” to accept the tender touch. To the partner who withdraws, she advises:
Stay steady while he resets his dial. When you stay steady, then you will both have what you want.
From this point on, Perel is clear that her work is to help them recalibrate their relationship for more balance and a start on the road to greater intimacy.
The fourth segment begins with both partners saying that they’ve been much more honest and open since the discovery of the infidelities. Perel turns her attention to work with the caretaking partner. She asks him what is was like to step up and ask for something—which he did in the wake of his partner’s infidelity. And she continues to follow the thread—Where did you learn to refrain from asking, wanting, needing. And he begins to tell his story which is also about his own trauma.
Perel continues to work with him modeling for his husband how to ask questions and learn about his partner. Then she passes the baton to the partner by saying Ask him. From that point on, Perel coaches him.
Her goal is for each partner, she explains, is to have an experience that is the opposite of their usual. The one who is always taking center stage will have to reach out, recognize, give and ask about his partner’s needs. The caretaker will learn to ask for what he wants—not just for crumbs and not only in a crisis—and he must then receive.
The fifth segment increases in intensity as the quiet partner talks about coming out. Perel, in a classic “more” moment, follows his story. When he says he never came out to his father who has since died, Perel has him tell his father now. He said his father answered I know. What’s the big deal? Perel asks for more—What’s it like for you? He said that one part is OK with it. And the other part? asks Perel. He answers: Why don’t you want to get to know me better? and he cries.
Then she turns to his partner who is leaning in and asks if he’d like to come closer and then Do you want to do what you said? (hug him) and he does. Perel picks up the pace turning from one to another coaching each in this new behavior of the partner comforting his care-taking partner.
In the analysis, she talks about the moment when he said: Why don’t you want to get to know me better. This is the line that takes him into the vortex of pain, says Perel and in the unedited session she had him repeat it many times so he can fully go into that place and then experience the release of tears.
She also walks through every step of the breakthroughs in this segment She explains how she’s using the 7 Basic Verbs of Relationships— to ask, to give, to take, to receive, to imagine or play to share and to refuse—and she describes how therapists can use these words in their own work. This is how Perel summarizes the progress to this point:
What this couple asked for when they came in was more of the same—the same behaviors that had kept their relationship unbalanced for 14 years. But now the one who was the giver is learning to ask and receive and the one who took center stage is giving and listening with empathy.
The final section stays with this change and reinforces the shift. Perel works again with the partner who’s suffered sexual abuse encouraging him to say I feel instead of It feels. She explores how he feels when his partner holds his hand and eventually suggests his partner hold his face, locking eyes, and in that experience there is a breakthrough. While his partner assures him he is safe, the tears come.
Perel then begins teaching the partners how to reinforce these new behaviors going forward. In the analysis, she says that the key to effectively reinforcing a new behavior is to say something short and positive in the moment. Quick and direct is best: I like you doing this, That’s nice, Let’s do this again, Thank you, This is right.
She describes the 3-step process of learning new behaviors— imitating, identifying and then internalizing. This practice helps with the internalizing.
In the analysis, Esther and Rich do a deep dive into the topic of couples and sexual trauma. Perel talks about seeing that part of the difficulty for the partner who’d experienced sexual trauma was that whatever “feels good” has been contaminated by the sexual abuse. She does not move any further into that area, but keeps her focus narrow and goes instead for a new embodied experience. She works on a piece of recovery for the partner who’s been traumatized and by doing that in the presence of the other partner she also works on the erotic re-connection of both.
The goal of working on sexual trauma, says Perel, is not only to deal with pain but also to validating sexual pleasure. That is the erotic recovery. If you cannot experience sexual pleasure, then the integration of safety and eroticism in not yet complete.
OBJECTIVES:
Articulate 5 of the 7 Basic Verbs of Relationship and explain how to use them to help clients talk about sexuality and relationships.
Articulate two strategies partners can use to reinforce each other’s positive behavior changes and I can explain why they’re effective.
Planning Committee Disclosure - No relevant relationships
All members of the PESI, Inc. planning committee have provided disclosures of financial relationships with ineligible organizations and any relevant non-financial relationships prior to planning content for this activity. None of the committee members had relevant financial relationships with ineligible companies or other potentially biasing relationships to disclose to learners. For speaker disclosures, please see the faculty biography.
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The California Board of Behavioral Sciences accepts CE programs that are approved by other approval agencies, including several that approve PESI and its programs. A full list of approval agencies accepted by the BBS can be found at www.bbs.ca.gov/licensees/cont_ed.html under “Where to find CE Courses.” This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Florida Board of Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy and Mental Health Counseling. Provider Number 50-399. This self-study course qualifies for 2.0 continuing education credits.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Credit requirements and approvals vary per state board regulations. Please save the course outline, the certificate of completion you receive from the activity and contact your state board or organization to determine specific filing requirements.
This intermediate self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Per the IDFPR: Social Work Continuing Education Sponsors approved by the Division in accordance with the rules for the administration of Clinical Social Work and Social Work Practice Act (225 ILCS 201), 68 Ill. Adm. Code 1470.95; PESI, Inc. is a registered social work continuing education sponsor with the Department of Financial and Professional Regulation, Division of Professional Regulation. License #: 159-000154. A certificate of attendance will be awarded at the end of the program to participants who are in full attendance, pass a post-test, and who complete the program evaluation.
CE credit is available. This self-study course consists of 2.25 continuing education credit hours for Kentucky Counselors. The Continuing Education Requirements for the Kentucky Board of Licensed Professional Counselors (201 KAR 36:030 Section 2) state continuing education programs from providers sponsored or approved by a state counseling licensure board shall be approved without further review by the board. PESI, Inc. is approved by the South Carolina Board of Examiners for Licensure of Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, and Psycho-Educational Specialists. Provider #4540. PESI maintains responsibility for this program and its contents.
CE credit is available. This self-study course consists of 2.0 continuing education clock hours for Missouri Counselors. The Missouri Committee for Professional Counselors accepts continuing education programs relevant to counseling that are provided by organizations recognized by national social worker associations. PESI, Inc. is recognized by a national social worker association. Please see social work approvals for this program.
The Montana Board of Behavioral Health no longer pre-approves any courses or sponsors. Each licensee is responsible for taking courses which contribute to their competence and directly relate to their scope of practice as defined in board statute (MAR 24-219-32). Licensees must keep CE documentation for three years in case of an audit. This intermediate level self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved CEU provider with the State of Nevada Board of Examiners for Marriage and Family Therapists and Clinical Professional Counselors. This self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 contact hours. Approved Provider # NVCEP2006.
PESI, Inc. is recognized by the New York State Education Department's (NYSED) State Board for Mental Health Practitioners as an approved provider of continuing education for Licensed Mental Health Counselors. #MHC-0033. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.25 contact hours. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage & Family Therapist Board. Provider approval #: RCST071001. Full attendance at this course meets the qualifications for 2.0 clock hours of general continuing education credit. Tracking number: 20-TBD
The Pennsylvania State Board of Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists and Professional Counselors accepts many national association CE approvals, several of which PESI offers. For a full list, please see your State Board regulations at https://www.dos.pa.gov/ProfessionalLicensing/BoardsCommissions/. This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study program has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours by the South Carolina Board of Examiners for Licensure of Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, and Psycho-Educational Specialists. Provider #4540.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Texas State Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors no longer approves programs or providers. PESI activities meet the continuing education requirements as listed in Title 22 Texas Administrative Code, Chapter 681, Subchapter J, Section 681.142 Acceptable Continuing Education. Please retain the certificate of completion that you receive and use as proof of completion when required.
PESI, Inc., #1062, is approved as an ACE provider to offer social work continuing education by the Association of Social Work Boards (ASWB) Approved Continuing Education (ACE) program. Regulatory boards are the final authority on courses accepted for continuing education credit. ACE provider approval period: January 27, 2023 - January 27, 2026. Social workers completing this course receive 2.0 Clinical continuing education credits.
Course Level: Intermediate Format: Recorded asynchronous distance. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
Canadian Social Workers: Canadian provinces may accept activities approved by the ASWB for ongoing professional development.
The California Board of Behavioral Sciences accepts CE programs that are approved by other approval agencies, including several that approve PESI and its programs. A full list of approval agencies accepted by the BBS can be found at www.bbs.ca.gov/licensees/cont_ed.html under “Where to find CE Courses.” This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Colorado Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers. Provider #1413. This self-study course has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours.
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PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Florida Board of Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy and Mental Health Counseling. Provider Number 50-399. This self-study course qualifies for 2.0 continuing education credits.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Illinois, Department of Financial and Professional Regulation, Division of Professional Regulation. License #: 159-000154. Successful completion of this self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 contact hours.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Kansas Behavioral Sciences Regulatory Board. Provider #14-006. This self-study course has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Minnesota, Board of Social Work. Provider #: CEP-140. This self-study package has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours. This certificate has been issued upon successful completion of a post-test.
The Montana Board of Behavioral Health no longer pre-approves any courses or sponsors. Each licensee is responsible for taking courses which contribute to their competence and directly relate to their scope of practice as defined in board statute (MAR 24-219-32). Licensees must keep CE documentation for three years in case of an audit. This intermediate level self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of instruction.
PESI, Inc. is recognized by the New York State Education Department's (NYSED) State Board for Social Work as an approved provider of continuing education for licensed social workers #SW-0008. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.25 contact hours. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage & Family Therapist Board. Provider approval #: RCST071001. Full attendance at this course meets the qualifications for 2.0 clock hours of general continuing education credit. Tracking number: 20-TBD
The Pennsylvania State Board of Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists and Professional Counselors accepts many national association CE approvals, several of which PESI offers. For a full list, please see your State Board regulations at https://www.dos.pa.gov/ProfessionalLicensing/BoardsCommissions/. This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This activity consists of 2.0 hours of continuing education instruction and is designed to meet the requirements of the Arizona Board of Psychologist Examiners (Sec. R4-26). Please save the course outline, certificate of completion, and any other supporting documentation you receive from this home study activity in case it is requested by the board.
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PESI, Inc., is an approved provider with the Florida Board of Psychology.Provider Number #50-399.This product qualifies for 2.0 self-study continuing education credits.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Credit requirements and approvals vary per state board regulations. Please save the course outline, the certificate of completion you receive from this self-study activity and contact your state board or organization to determine specific filing requirements.
PESI, Inc is an approved provider with the State of Illinois, Department of Professional Regulation. License #: 268.000102. Full attendance at this self-study course qualifies for 2.0 contact hours.
PESI, Inc. is approved by the Kentucky Board of Examiners of Psychology to offer continuing education for psychologists. PESI maintains responsibility for this program and its content. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.0 contact hours.
PESI, Inc. is recognized by the New York State Education Department's (NYSED) State Board for Psychology as an approved provider of continuing education for licensed psychologists #PSY-0014. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.25 contact hours. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
CE credit is available. This course consists of 2.0 continuing education clock hours for North Dakota Psychologists. The North Dakota State Board of Psychologist Examiners, pursuant to 66-03-01-03, confirms acceptance of continuing education programs for content related to practice authorized in North Dakota (century code 43-32) for programs approved by certain ce associations. When printing your certificate, please include any national social work approvals.
PESI, Inc. is approved by the Ohio Psychological Association, Provider #263896894, to sponsor continuing education for psychologists. PESI, Inc. maintains responsibility for this program and its content. PESI is offering this self-study activity for 2.0 Standard hours of continuing education credit.
PESI, Inc. is approved by the Pennsylvania State Board of Psychology to offer continuing education for psychologists. PESI maintains responsibility for the program(s). This self-study program qualifies for 2.0 continuing education hours.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Credit requirements and approvals vary per state board regulations. Please save this course outline, the certificate of completion you receive from this self-study activity and contact your state board or organization to determine specific filing requirements.
The California Board of Behavioral Sciences accepts CE programs that are approved by other approval agencies, including several that approve PESI and its programs. A full list of approval agencies accepted by the BBS can be found at www.bbs.ca.gov/licensees/cont_ed.html under “Where to find CE Courses.” This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Florida Board of Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy and Mental Health Counseling. Provider Number 50-399. This self-study course qualifies for 2.0 continuing education credits.
PESI, Inc. has been approved as a provider of continuing education by the State of Illinois, Department of Professional Regulation. Provider #:168-000156. Full attendance at this self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 credits.
The Montana Board of Behavioral Health no longer pre-approves any courses or sponsors. Each licensee is responsible for taking courses which contribute to their competence and directly relate to their scope of practice as defined in board statute (MAR 24-219-32). Licensees must keep CE documentation for three years in case of an audit. This intermediate level self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved CEU provider with the State of Nevada Board of Examiners for Marriage and Family Therapists and Clinical Professional Counselors. This self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 contact hours. Approved Provider # NVCEP2006.
PESI, Inc. is recognized by the New York State Education Department's (NYSED) State Board for Mental Health Practitioners as an approved provider of continuing education for Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. #MFT-0024. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.25 contact hours. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage & Family Therapist Board. Provider approval #: RCST071001. Full attendance at this course meets the qualifications for 2.0 clock hours of general continuing education credit. Tracking number: 20-TBD
The Pennsylvania State Board of Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists and Professional Counselors accepts many national association CE approvals, several of which PESI offers. For a full list, please see your State Board regulations at https://www.dos.pa.gov/ProfessionalLicensing/BoardsCommissions. This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study program has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours by the South Carolina Board of Examiners for Licensure of Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, and Psycho-Educational Specialists. Provider #4540.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Texas State Board of Examiners of Marriage and Family Therapists no longer approves programs or providers. PESI activities meet the continuing education requirements as listed in Title 22 of the Texas Administrative Code, Chapter 801, Subchapter K, Section 801.264 Types of Acceptable Continuing Education. Please retain the certificate of completion that you receive and use as proof of completion when required.
This self-study course has been approved by PESI, Inc., as a NAADAC Approved Education Provider, for 2.0 CE in the Counseling Services skill group. NAADAC Provider #77553. PESI, Inc. is responsible for all aspects of their programming. Full attendance is required; no partial credit will be awarded for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider by the CCAPP-EI, Provider #: OS-03-036-1025. This activity meets the qualifications for 2.0 CEH's (continuing education hours).
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider by the CADTP, Provider #: 201. This Category H activity meets the qualifications for 2.0 CEU's (continuing education hours).
Provider #120924. This course has been approved as a CCB approved training and has been awarded 2.0 hours by the Connecticut Certification Board.
PESI, Inc. is an Oklahoma Board of Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselors approved provider #20240032. This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Credit requirements and approvals vary per state board regulations. Please save the course outline, the certificate of completion you receive from this self-study activity and contact your state board or organization to determine specific filing requirements.
PESI, Inc. is a provider approved by the California Board of Registered Nursing, Provider #: 17118 for 2.0 self-study contact hours.
** You will need to provide your license number to PESI. PESI must have this number on file in order for your hours to be valid.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider by the Florida Board of Nursing. Provider #: FBN2858. These materials qualify for 2.0 self-study contact hours.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider by the Iowa Board of Nursing. Provider #: 346. Nurses successfully completing these self-study materials will earn 2.0 self-study contact hours. Please email cepesi@pesi.com with your license number, include the title, speaker name and date. PESI must have this number on file in order for your hours to be valid.
The California Board of Behavioral Sciences accepts CE programs that are approved by other approval agencies, including several that approve PESI and its programs. A full list of approval agencies accepted by the BBS can be found at www.bbs.ca.gov/licensees/cont_ed.html under “Where to find CE Courses.” This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study program has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours by the South Carolina Board of Examiners for Licensure of Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, and Psycho-Educational Specialists. Provider #4540.
This self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 continuing education clock hours as required by many national, state and local licensing boards and professional organizations. Save your activity advertisement and certificate of completion, and contact your own board or organization for specific requirements.
| File type | File name | Number of pages | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Text Document | Transcript - Trauma and the Roots of Infidelity (0.05 MB) | 48 Pages | Available after Purchase |
| Text Document | Transcript - Trauma and the Roots of Infidelity - French (0.05 MB) | 48 Pages | Available after Purchase |
| Text Document | Transcript - Trauma and the Roots of Infidelity - Italian (0.05 MB) | 48 Pages | Available after Purchase |
Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist of Polish-Jewish descent who has explored the tension between the need for security (love, belonging, and closeness) and the need for freedom (erotic desire, adventure, and distance) in human relationships.
Perel promoted the concept of “erotic intelligence” in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, which has been translated into 24 languages. After publishing the book, she became an international advisor on sex and relationships. She gave a TED talk in February 2013 called “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship,” and another in March 2015 called “Rethinking infidelity… a talk for anyone who has ever loved.”
Perel is the host of the podcast “Where Should We Begin?”, which is based inside her therapist’s office as she sees anonymous couples in search of insight into topics such as infidelity, sexlessness and grief.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Esther Perel maintains a private practice. She has employment relationships with Columbia University, Ackerman Institute for the Family, Norwegian Institute for the Expressive Arts Therapies, and 92nd Street Y. She receives royalties as a published author. Esther Perel receives a speaking honorarium and recording royalties from Psychotherapy Networker and PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Esther Perel is a member of the American Family Therapy Academy and the American Association for Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
Holly Richmond, PhD, is one of North America’s leading sex therapists, and author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Dr. Holly Richmond maintains a private practice. She receives royalties as a published author. Dr. Richmond receives a speaking honorarium from Psychotherapy Networker and PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Dr. Holly Richmond has no relevant non-financial relationships.
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