DESCRIPTION:
The couple in this session have been happily married for 40 years. He’s been an attentive father and a loving husband. They’ve had a vibrant sex life, good marriage, a family and then the wife discovered that during those 40 years, her husband had been compulsively, serially unfaithful with one night stands and pay-for-play sex.
OUTLINE:
What to listen for in the session. Notice how Perel moves slowly in the first parts of this session as she feels her way. Note also how she is disciplined about holding her own reactions in check. While there is much to react to in this story of serial affairs and the damage they caused, her initial work is to be open and curious. She says:
If I stay anthropological not clinical, I am much better able to just listen
In this session, Perel calls upon many of the tools and approaches that characterize her work as discussed in Part 1.
In the first segment, the couple tells their story and Perel listens, asks for “more” and does not react even when they disagree about whether his behavior is a compulsion or an addiction. As she says in the analysis, Perel initially felt the need for two things:
She confirms that she is going slowly, feeling her way. Because this is a one-time three-hour session, Perel is looking for an intervention that can make a difference, helping this couple leave with a different narrative than the one they came into the session with.
In the second segment of the session, Perel focuses on the husband. He talks about his commitment to being a good husband and a good father and how he learned what not to do from his father. Perel’s use of “say more” allows him to expand and go deeper into his story, in his own words, with his own focus. That gives her insights into the deeper, intimate meaning of his story and ideas about where she might go with him to facilitate a new dynamic for the couple.
In the analysis, Perel explains that, while he was talking, she was holding several things in her awareness:
Perel and Simon also discuss how there is much in this session that could be triggering. Perel asserts the need for the therapist not to be reactive but remain open, invite more and listen. Perel shares how she maintains this openness by taking an anthropological, not a clinical, stance.
Perel says she was clear at this point that she would address his toxic shame and self-pity as part of her work because they posed a real block to the healing in this marriage. She observes:
When someone is caught in shame they cannot access the guilt, which is connected to conscience. And it’s that guilt that lets him feel the responsibility for what he did and to speak from that place.
The segment ends with Perel challenging the husband around shame which he suggests is part of his new healing experience. Perel is firm with him: It’s not a new thing. It was there before…You made sure never to feel it.
In the third segment, Perel focuses on the wife and articulates a question that must be answered if she is to move forward.
Does the fact that her husband has been unfaithful to her for their entire marriage invalidate everything that has been good between them for the last 40 years?...
Perel highlights the importance of the question—and the answer.
….does it change everything or does it have to find its own place?…because what you believed is true AND there was also another reality….This AND that.
Before moving on, Perel checks to make sure the wife is open to the fact that both realities are true—that one does not cancel out the other. She does.
In the analysis, Perel explains why establishing both realities as true is critical:
The wife had a very coherent narrative for 40 years and then it was shattered. Now she not only doubts her husband, she doubts herself because her story, her history, what she knew— no longer made sense.
Perel continues, observing that the wife’s ability to say that her husband had demons and that what he did had nothing to do with her or their life together—is as much for herself as for him.
Her need to have some thread of compassion for him, to see some dignity in him is also for her—so she can have some dignity in staying and begin to write a new story for herself.
Finally, Perel observes that she was still moving slowly in the session, looking for the intervention that could get this couple unstuck and dignify the wife’s choice to stay.
The fourth segment of the session begins when the husband, speaking out of his relatively new understanding of himself and his behavior, says of his wife:
I would say that during the last four to six weeks, she’s finally started to see my side of the story.
This was a key moment, Perel said, because she knew what she wanted to accomplish with the husband in order to help the couple move forward and the marriage to heal. He needs to learn to step outside of himself.
From that point, she observes, she was clear about how the session needed to unfold and so she began on a path that that would include:
“The question of trust is completely premature.” Perel’s words mark another important moment in this segment. With them, she firmly stops a debate that has gone on between the partners about whether she can trust him not to do this again. This moment also provides an opening for reframing the issue of trust. Perel goes on to
Again, Perel puts forward a storyline— what the wife really wants is to trust that her husband will be present with her in her hurt, shame, anger and love as she rebuilds her life staying with him As the segment ends, both the husband and wife agree with that proposition.
In the analysis, Perel and Simon expand on the subject of trust and betrayal. Perel introduces the concept of “primary naiveté” explaining that once that is destroyed, there’s no going back. Trust becomes more cautious, more qualified and more mature. And while it’s possible to achieve a place of “secondary naiveté” over time, it’s achieved by trusting with eyes open.
In the fifth segment, Perel returns to focus on the husband and begins the process of educating, challenging and laying the foundation for coaching him.
She interrupts a complaint by taking his word “honesty” and re-focusing it—away from him and onto his wife’s experience. …this is a different story of honesty. Perel explains that he must deal with the fact that the level of compartmentalization he has lived with his whole life is inconceivable to his wife and that she now lives with the question: Who was I with?
In the sixth segment, Perel is laser-focused on the stuckness. The wife confirms that her husband talks much more about what happened to him than what happened to her. I’m sensing that, Perel says. That is off-balance.
And she firmly cuts him off when he moves back into justification, explaining, focusing on self. She asks him to listen to what his wife says and to repeat it so they are sure he heard her. Again she nterrupts him when he “buts” or digresses into too much self-talk.
When he mentions his wife’s anger, she redirects again. While acknowledging how important it is to be on his own healing trajectory and experiencing himself as whole for the first time in his life, Perel makes the following points:
Then Perel makes a promise to him—If you can attend to her primary concern (the pain and shame), you will create the space for her to attend to your trajectory (healing and wholeness).
Perel explains that his work right now, if he wants to heal this marriage, is to be present with his wife in the anger, pain and shame that he caused.
He tries and practices with help from Perel, who suggests at one point that he try being present to her with the one thing that’s always been good between them—touch. Then he reaches for her and both start to cry holding each other. Touch. Don’t talk, Perel repeats as they experience this moment of hope and real connection that she has been moving them toward in this session.
OBJECTIVES:
Assess the difference between shame and guilt and describe how each affects a person as well as the couple or family system.
Articulate the long-term traumatic effects of the childhood dynamic known as “the unholy triangle” comprised of 1) a violent, abusive father 2) a victimized wounded mother, and 3) a sensitive boy caught in between them.
NOTE: Tuition includes one free CE Certificate (participant will be able to print the certificate of completion after completing and passing the on-line post-test evaluation).
Continuing Education Information: Listed below are the continuing education credit(s) currently available for this non-interactive self-study package. Please note, your state licensing board dictates whether self-study is an acceptable form of continuing education. Please refer to your state rules and regulations. If your profession is not listed, please contact your licensing board to determine your continuing education requirements and check for reciprocal approval. For other credit inquiries not specified below, please contact cepesi@pesi.com or 800-844-8260 before the event.
Materials that are included in this course may include interventions and modalities that are beyond the authorized practice of your profession. As a licensed professional, you are responsible for reviewing the scope of practice, including activities that are defined in law as beyond the boundaries of practice in accordance with and in compliance with your profession's standards.
All members of the PESI, Inc. planning committee have provided disclosures of financial relationships with ineligible organizations and any relevant non-financial relationships prior to planning content for this activity. None of the committee members had relevant financial relationships with ineligible companies or other potentially biasing relationships to disclose to learners. For speaker disclosures, please see the faculty biography.
This self-study course has been approved by PESI, Inc., as a NAADAC Approved Education Provider, for 2.0 CE in the Counseling Services skill group. NAADAC Provider #77553. PESI, Inc. is responsible for all aspects of their programming. Full attendance is required; no partial credit will be awarded for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider by the CCAPP-EI, Provider #: OS-03-036-1021. This activity meets the qualifications for 2.0 CEH's (continuing education hours).
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider by the CADTP, Provider #: 201. This Category H activity meets the qualifications for 2.0 CEU's (continuing education hours).
Provider #120924. This course has been approved as a CCB approved training and has been awarded 2.0 hours by the Connecticut Certification Board.
PESI, Inc. is an Oklahoma Board of Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselors approved provider #20190032. This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Credit requirements and approvals vary per state board regulations. Please save the course outline, the certificate of completion you receive from the activity and contact your state board or organization to determine specific filing requirements.
The California Board of Behavioral Sciences accepts CE programs that are approved by other approval agencies, including several that approve PESI and its programs. A full list of approval agencies accepted by the BBS can be found at www.bbs.ca.gov/licensees/cont_ed.html under “Where to find CE Courses.” This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Florida Board of Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy and Mental Health Counseling. Provider Number 50-399. This self-study course qualifies for 2.0 continuing education credits.
This intermediate self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Per the IDFPR: Social Work Continuing Education Sponsors approved by the Division in accordance with the rules for the administration of Clinical Social Work and Social Work Practice Act (225 ILCS 201), 68 Ill. Adm. Code 1470.95; PESI, Inc. is a registered social work continuing education sponsor with the Department of Financial and Professional Regulation, Division of Professional Regulation. License #: 159-000154. A certificate of attendance will be awarded at the end of the program to participants who are in full attendance, pass a post-test, and who complete the program evaluation.
CE credit is available. This self-study course consists of 2.25 continuing education credit hours for Kentucky Counselors. The Continuing Education Requirements for the Kentucky Board of Licensed Professional Counselors (201 KAR 36:030 Section 2) state continuing education programs from providers sponsored or approved by a state counseling licensure board shall be approved without further review by the board. PESI, Inc. is approved by the South Carolina Board of Examiners for Licensure of Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, and Psycho-Educational Specialists. Provider #4540. PESI maintains responsibility for this program and its contents.
CE credit is available. This self-study course consists of 2.0 continuing education clock hours for Missouri Counselors. The Missouri Committee for Professional Counselors accepts continuing education programs relevant to counseling that are provided by organizations recognized by national social worker associations. PESI, Inc. is recognized by a national social worker association. Please see social work approvals for this program.
The Montana Board of Behavioral Health no longer pre-approves any courses or sponsors. Each licensee is responsible for taking courses which contribute to their competence and directly relate to their scope of practice as defined in board statute (MAR 24-219-32). Licensees must keep CE documentation for three years in case of an audit. This intermediate level self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved CEU provider with the State of Nevada Board of Examiners for Marriage and Family Therapists and Clinical Professional Counselors. This self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 contact hours. Approved Provider # NVCEP2006.
PESI, Inc. is recognized by the New York State Education Department's (NYSED) State Board for Mental Health Practitioners as an approved provider of continuing education for Licensed Mental Health Counselors. #MHC-0033. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.25 contact hours. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage & Family Therapist Board. Provider approval #:RCST071001. Full attendance in this self-study course meets the qualifications for 2.0 clock hours of continuing education credit.
The Pennsylvania State Board of Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists and Professional Counselors accepts many national association CE approvals, several of which PESI offers. For a full list, please see your State Board regulations at https://www.dos.pa.gov/ProfessionalLicensing/BoardsCommissions/. This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study program has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours by the South Carolina Board of Examiners for Licensure of Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, and Psycho-Educational Specialists. Provider #4540.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Texas State Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors no longer approves programs or providers. PESI activities meet the continuing education requirements as listed in Title 22 Texas Administrative Code, Chapter 681, Subchapter J, Section 681.142 Acceptable Continuing Education. Please retain the certificate of completion that you receive and use as proof of completion when required.
The California Board of Behavioral Sciences accepts CE programs that are approved by other approval agencies, including several that approve PESI and its programs. A full list of approval agencies accepted by the BBS can be found at www.bbs.ca.gov/licensees/cont_ed.html under “Where to find CE Courses.” This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Credit requirements and approvals vary per state board regulations. Please save this course outline, the certificate of completion you receive from this self-study activity and contact your state board or organization to determine specific filing requirements.
The California Board of Behavioral Sciences accepts CE programs that are approved by other approval agencies, including several that approve PESI and its programs. A full list of approval agencies accepted by the BBS can be found at www.bbs.ca.gov/licensees/cont_ed.html under “Where to find CE Courses.” This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Florida Board of Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy and Mental Health Counseling. Provider Number 50-399. This self-study course qualifies for 2.0 continuing education credits.
PESI, Inc. has been approved as a provider of continuing education by the State of Illinois, Department of Professional Regulation. Provider #:168-000156. Full attendance at this self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 credits.
The Montana Board of Behavioral Health no longer pre-approves any courses or sponsors. Each licensee is responsible for taking courses which contribute to their competence and directly relate to their scope of practice as defined in board statute (MAR 24-219-32). Licensees must keep CE documentation for three years in case of an audit. This intermediate level self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved CEU provider with the State of Nevada Board of Examiners for Marriage and Family Therapists and Clinical Professional Counselors. This self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 contact hours. Approved Provider # NVCEP2006.
PESI, Inc. is recognized by the New York State Education Department's (NYSED) State Board for Mental Health Practitioners as an approved provider of continuing education for Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. #MFT-0024. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.25 contact hours. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage & Family Therapist Board. Provider approval #:RCST071001. Full attendance in this self-study course meets the qualifications for 2.0 clock hours of continuing education credit.
The Pennsylvania State Board of Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists and Professional Counselors accepts many national association CE approvals, several of which PESI offers. For a full list, please see your State Board regulations at https://www.dos.pa.gov/ProfessionalLicensing/BoardsCommissions. This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study program has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours by the South Carolina Board of Examiners for Licensure of Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, and Psycho-Educational Specialists. Provider #4540.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Texas State Board of Examiners of Marriage and Family Therapists no longer approves programs or providers. PESI activities meet the continuing education requirements as listed in Title 22 of the Texas Administrative Code, Chapter 801, Subchapter K, Section 801.264 Types of Acceptable Continuing Education. Please retain the certificate of completion that you receive and use as proof of completion when required.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Credit requirements and approvals vary per state board regulations. Please save the course outline, the certificate of completion you receive from this self-study activity and contact your state board or organization to determine specific filing requirements.
PESI, Inc. is a provider approved by the California Board of Registered Nursing, Provider #: 17118 for 2.0 self-study contact hours.
** You will need to provide your license number to PESI. PESI must have this number on file in order for your hours to be valid.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider by the Florida Board of Nursing. Provider #: FBN2858. These materials qualify for 2.0 self-study contact hours.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider by the Iowa Board of Nursing. Provider #: 346. Nurses successfully completing these self-study materials will earn 2.0 self-study contact hours. Please email cepesi@pesi.com with your license number, include the title, speaker name and date. PESI must have this number on file in order for your hours to be valid.
This self-study program has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours by the South Carolina Board of Examiners for Licensure of Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, and Psycho-Educational Specialists. Provider #4540.
PESI, Inc. is approved by the Canadian Psychological Association to offer continuing education for psychologists. PESI, Inc. maintains responsibility for the program. This program is approved for 2.0 self-study continuing education hours. Full credit statement at: www.pesi.com/cpa-statement
PESI, Inc., is an approved provider with the Florida Board of Psychology.Provider Number #50-399.This product qualifies for 2.0 self-study continuing education credits.
This self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction. Credit requirements and approvals vary per state board regulations. Please save the course outline, the certificate of completion you receive from this self-study activity and contact your state board or organization to determine specific filing requirements.
PESI, Inc is an approved provider with the State of Illinois, Department of Professional Regulation. License #: 268.000102. Full attendance at this self-study course qualifies for 2.0 contact hours.
PESI, Inc. is approved by the Kentucky Board of Examiners of Psychology to offer continuing education for psychologists. PESI maintains responsibility for this program and its content. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.0 contact hours.
PESI, Inc. is recognized by the New York State Education Department's (NYSED) State Board for Psychology as an approved provider of continuing education for licensed psychologists #PSY-0014. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.25 contact hours. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is approved by the Ohio Psychological Association, Provider #263896894, to sponsor continuing education for psychologists. PESI, Inc. maintains responsibility for this program and its content. PESI is offering this self-study activity for 2.0 Standard hours of continuing education credit.
PESI, Inc. is approved by the Pennsylvania State Board of Psychology to offer continuing education for psychologists. PESI maintains responsibility for the program(s). This self-study program qualifies for 2.0 continuing education hours.
PESI, Inc., #1062, is approved to offer social work continuing education by the Association of Social Work Boards (ASWB) Approved Continuing Education (ACE) program. Organizations, not individual courses, are approved as ACE providers. State and provincial regulatory boards have the final authority to determine whether an individual course may be accepted for continuing education credit. PESI, Inc. maintains responsibility for this course. ACE provider approval period: January 27, 2023 - January 27, 2026. Social workers completing this course receive 2.0 Clinical continuing education credits.
Course Level: Intermediate Format: Recorded asynchronous distance. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
Canadian Social Workers: Canadian provinces may accept activities approved by the ASWB for ongoing professional development.
The California Board of Behavioral Sciences accepts CE programs that are approved by other approval agencies, including several that approve PESI and its programs. A full list of approval agencies accepted by the BBS can be found at www.bbs.ca.gov/licensees/cont_ed.html under “Where to find CE Courses.” This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Colorado Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers. Provider #1413. This self-study course has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours.
COLORADO PARTICIPANTS ONLY: If you did not answer YES to be reported to the Colorado Chapter of the NASW on the evaluation, please contact cepesi@pesi.com and provide the full title of the webcast, speaker name, date of live broadcast, your name and your license number in the email.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Florida Board of Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy and Mental Health Counseling. Provider Number 50-399. This self-study course qualifies for 2.0 continuing education credits.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Illinois, Department of Financial and Professional Regulation, Division of Professional Regulation. License #: 159-000154. Successful completion of this self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 contact hours.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the Kansas Behavioral Sciences Regulatory Board. Provider #14-006. This self-study course has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Minnesota, Board of Social Work. Provider #: CEP-140. This self-study package has been approved for 2.0 continuing education hours. This certificate has been issued upon successful completion of a post-test.
The Montana Board of Behavioral Health no longer pre-approves any courses or sponsors. Each licensee is responsible for taking courses which contribute to their competence and directly relate to their scope of practice as defined in board statute (MAR 24-219-32). Licensees must keep CE documentation for three years in case of an audit. This intermediate level self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of instruction.
PESI, Inc. is recognized by the New York State Education Department's (NYSED) State Board for Social Work as an approved provider of continuing education for licensed social workers #SW-0008. This self-study activity will qualify for 2.25 contact hours. Full attendance is required; no partial credits will be offered for partial attendance.
PESI, Inc. is an approved provider with the State of Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage & Family Therapist Board. Provider approval #:RCST071001. Full attendance in this self-study course meets the qualifications for 2.0 clock hours of continuing education credit.
The Pennsylvania State Board of Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists and Professional Counselors accepts many national association CE approvals, several of which PESI offers. For a full list, please see your State Board regulations at https://www.dos.pa.gov/ProfessionalLicensing/BoardsCommissions/. This intermediate level, self-study activity consists of 2.0 clock hours of continuing education instruction.
This self-study activity qualifies for 2.0 continuing education clock hours as required by many national, state and local licensing boards and professional organizations. Save your activity advertisement and certificate of completion, and contact your own board or organization for specific requirements.
| Transcript - The Perfect Marriage (0.06 MB) | 46 Pages | Available after Purchase |
Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist of Polish-Jewish descent who has explored the tension between the need for security (love, belonging, and closeness) and the need for freedom (erotic desire, adventure, and distance) in human relationships.
Perel promoted the concept of “erotic intelligence” in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, which has been translated into 24 languages. After publishing the book, she became an international advisor on sex and relationships. She gave a TED talk in February 2013 called “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship,” and another in March 2015 called “Rethinking infidelity… a talk for anyone who has ever loved.”
Perel is the host of the podcast “Where Should We Begin?”, which is based inside her therapist’s office as she sees anonymous couples in search of insight into topics such as infidelity, sexlessness and grief.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Esther Perel maintains a private practice. She has employment relationships with Columbia University, Ackerman Institute for the Family, Norwegian Institute for the Expressive Arts Therapies, and 92nd Street Y. She receives royalties as a published author. Esther Perel receives a speaking honorarium and recording royalties from Psychotherapy Networker and PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Esther Perel is a member of the American Family Therapy Academy and the American Association for Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
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